I don't think I will ever forget it. So many days of grey have passed and it is still so very vivid. The smoke fills my lungs and I am blissfully numb. He sits next to me in the backseat, taking hits, passing bowls, taking hits, passing bowls. I roll my head back against the rounded edge of the seat. I watch the moon. The dark apparitions dance with me, swirling around and transforming into natural ink blots that perfectly explain my state of mind. The stars wink at me and I smile back. I am so aware. I am living in the moment for the first time since I was sixteen and danced on the hood of my ugly car. I roll my head to the right and I watch him watch me. His eyes. I love his eyes. They twinkle in the moonlight. And I know that sounds too sweet to taste, and if anyone else who was bitter to love were to listen to me spew these thoughts and memories, they would roll their eyes and spit the sugar-sensory details out from their salted lips. But I don't care. Not one bit. His lips graze mine and the electricity from his skin shocks me to the bone. His friend's crazy music rings in our ears, and we kiss and we kiss and we kiss and the night fades to black like a happy ending. Like a fraction of a moment stretched into forever.



by me.

After an hour argument over street signs and directions he pulls into my snow covered driveway and parks the car. I was so furious five minutes ago, but just the thought of him kissing me, touching me, makes the salty taste in my mouth disappear. I open the door wearing hardly anything at all, with his high school jacket covering a small percentage of my body. His eyes light up and I grin.

We stumble down my hallway -- me walking backwards, grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him close to me. I breathe him in and let the scent of his heat somersault in my lungs. We make no noises except for the vibrations from our chests rising and falling. I lay on my white down comforter and watch him undress. He's beautiful. We kiss hard, it almost hurts. Hearts pumping. Heavy breathing. Touching. Kissing. Stop.

He pulls back and stares at me. My arms are wrapped around his neck as he holds himself up with one hand and grazes my black stocking covered calf with the other. Inhale. Exhale. I look up at him and feel whole. I feel like everything in the world is alright when he is around me. My sixteen year old self would kick my ass if she saw me now...craving somebody. Needing somebody. But there is just something about this twisted desperation...giving in...giving him all of me knowing that I am risking my entire self in doing so. He could break me into pieces if he wanted to. I know that, but it is the fact that he doesn't...the idea that somebody can know my secrets, see me at my worst, and still think that I am everything...it is worth the risk.

"I love you."
"I love you too."

It's as simple and as complicated as that.



By: me.

I received my very first New Years kiss in all of my nineteen years last night. It tasted of love and patron. It was perfect.

His hands are so much larger than mine. I feel the 'bracelet' that I created out of my own boredom about a month ago...

"Here!" I tied a strand of cream colored yarn around his wrist and told him to wear it if he loved me. It collects the dust from the engine of his car, the sweat from his skin, and yet he still wears it.

  His hands rest against the back of his couch while we put on a show for his entire block. I breathe him in. He presses his chest against mine and stares into me. He never understands why I love brown eyes, why I crave them. Nobody understands. They are incredibly deep...endless...mysterious. They hold secrets about their keepers that make you want to trust...to believe. My eyes reflect him, his eyes absorb me. I grin. He smiles and bites the apple of my cheek, because he knows it makes me laugh. He keeps the time moving slow, savoring every moment that we spend together. We get tired and fall asleep.

We wake up. We have great sex. We eat. We talk to his hungover sister. We put on clothes. He gives me a tshirt and a zip up that swallows me whole. I love it. He drives my car to his car. He says something to make me mad. I say something to make him mad. We fight. He grabs my face and tells me to kiss him. I storm off. We make out against his car. He tries to teach me to drive stick. I suck. He smiles because he's happy that I tried. He said it was good for my first lesson. We make out again. A lot. We go back to his house and watch a movie. We have great sex within the first five minutes. We lay together. We breathe together. He pulls my body against his. We're so close but not nearly close enough. We get up and drive his sister to the airport. We talk about how we want our lives to work out, to intertwine. He "knows" we will be together forever. I trust him even though it goes against everything that I have ever taught myself...

Full speed ahead...damn the tomorrows.

"Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé."
You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.


By: me.